“choice is a very powerful gift.”
it is my last day in taos, nm. i will be driving to payson, az tomorrow to stay at a cabin in the tonto national forest. this past week has had some real ups and some real downs. i haven’t written much the last few days and I’m actually struggling a bit right now trying to get the words to come out. they’re there..stubborn things, those words.
the rain is starting and i am sitting in the living area of this earthship and i can hear the drops so closely above me. i turn my music off so i can listen to it. this reminds me of the double rainbow i saw yesterday while i was walking oskar. there have been a lot of weird coincidences this week, signs. I’m not sure what they mean but i do believe they exist.
my mind feels a bit heavy. it is breast cancer awareness month. i had a tough time with it last year, still being in treatment. i am having a tough time with it this year as well. i guess the only good thing is that I’m traveling and most of the time far from anywhere where i would be reminded. i was reading some things online the other day that i found through a fellow ‘cancerful’ friends’ fb page. it was a link to an organization called Metavivor. Their sole purpose is raising awareness and funding research for stage iv metastatic breast cancer. i read that 30% of breast cancer patients will have a metastasis. 2% of the money raised goes towards stage iv research. this is horrifying. all the numbers hit me. i think of ‘cancerful’ friends and family and i remember them. these numbers need to change, now. the rain has stopped. as quickly as it came, it disappeared.
i came to taos with expectations. this is the place i was most excited for but i was never really sure why. it makes me think about this trip in general and why traveling has been so important to me. i know the obvious reasons are to experience beauty and other cultures. but i think there is another side to my traveling. am i running away? this is the biggest escape of my life. I’ve run across this country and others several times for several different reasons and here i am running away again, but from cancer. or is it more a matter of having an adventurous spirit? at least that’s what the fb quiz told me. I’m going to think it’s a little of both for right now.
this week i got to see the rio grande gorge bridge and hike along the rim of it. i locked my phone and my keys in my car in the desert and then it rained. i have contracted a wretched virus. i spent a day at Ojo Caliente Hot Springs and had a tub in the canyon all to myself. I did a short hike there to see the P’osi Pueblo ruins. I saw the eclipse. I spent the day at the Taos Pueblo for the San Geronimo Feast Day. I walked around the Taos Plaza and Farmer’s Market. I have seen adorable bunnies, creepy spiders and heard coyotes calling in the night. I saw one of the oldest churches in America.
And for those of you who can read between my lines…i took a road trip to colorado one afternoon, only an hour by the way. i went to a place where i purchased something legally, something controversial. the one thing that gave me any amount of relief during treatment last year. who knew? instead of 16 medications a day i only actually needed that stuff. it was surreal. it was fun. and i felt like at any minute i was gonna get in big trouble. it was a good afternoon, in colorado.
so, it has been a good and not so good week. i have learned a lot. i’ve struggled a lot, physically and emotionally. It didn’t occur to me that climbing a small hill to see some beauty in the desert would take my breath away literally. i have been reminded of the effects of treatment. i don’t want to feel bad and i know i shouldn’t but i do that I’m not where i want to be physically after treatment. i will try harder to give myself a break. even if i have to stop every 5 minutes on the way up, at least I’m still moving forward. for me, it’s not about making it to the top anyways. it never was. it’s about seeing and recognizing the beauty along the way. the beauty in simple things, as my great-grandfather said. that’s the best part, the simple things. so, if i do make it the top, well that’s just an extra bonus. Sending love and light to you all.