“imagine the deepest place where mystery and intricate gardens of life are always evolving. where love and passion are the strengths behind survival. imagine…the soul of a woman.”

9,000 miles, 56 days and 23 states. i am home. my cancercation is on pause for now. home is family, friends, favorite restaurants, familiarity. it is bitter sweet but more sweet right now. i look outside the window and it’s raining and i can see the grass and fallen autumn leaves. i see the birds in the bush, fluffing with dampness, the squirrels running around with their tasty treats. the smells of home are the same. there is comfort for me in all of this.

i made it home on the northern route of 90 east without a flurry of snow but did have 2 days of solid rain. wyoming and south dakota were so important for me to drive through on the way back. there wasn’t actually much to look at it but sometimes for me that is more beautiful than anything else. i woke before sunrise, wanting to reach the badlands around that time. i know a lot of you will scold me but i skipped mt rushmore. that morning was strange and stunning at the same time.

almost running out of fuel i pulled into a very old gas station with a general store just before the park. i love these little places that remain untouched by new technology and truckers. it was so quiet there that i realized what it is like for these small outskirts to be ‘off season’. before i know it, there is a huge, beautiful peacock walking around in front of me. a couple people come in and out of the market as if they don’t even notice. is it normal to see a peacock in south dakota at a gas station? i was so taken back by this sight that i couldn’t even reach for my camera. although looking back i should have. that would have been a fantastic photo.

i took the road through the badlands. i did not see a single other person there the entire time. i would love to go back. i have seen photos of the badlands but what i saw was unexpected. i saw it differently. I’m so happy i took the extra day to see this part of our country. had i known how the rest of that day and the next couple days were going to go on the road, i would have taken another day, driven back to colorado and driven home from there.

so i got another traffic ‘citation’. Minnesota, the smelliest, most depressing state i have ever driven through. my day through there included dead deer every mile on the highway, spray painted with big orange X’s and topped with bright orange cones, livestock trucks packed with poor fluffy creatures, a total lack of beautiful scenery and an emotionally unstable police officer. i don’t think i will ever go back there.

what is with me and cops and why do i have this tendency to yell at them? i was pulled over, not for speeding but for something else entirely. something that was completely unavoidable and the cop knew it. when he wouldn’t listen and came back to my car stating “i’ve issued you a citation…”, i laughed, in his face and said “whatever just give it to me.” yep, i did that. he got mad and yelled. basically, this encounter ended with me yelling back at him that “just because he is a police officer does not give him the right to be rude.” he put his tail between his legs and walked back to his car. i may have gotten another ticket but at least i got the last word. this situation suddenly reminds me of my 1993-94 junior high yearbook and a message from an old friend written inside to me … “you are the type of girl that would throw stones at a cop and laugh.” i guess i should be grateful i have never been arrested 😉

i sit here thinking about the last couple months, where I’ve been, what I’ve seen and i cant believe it’s already over. back to doctor appointments, mri’s, x-rays, pulmonary function tests, colonoscopies, pre ops, mrsa swabs. just like old times! i may be crazy but i have decided to do my own liver experiment and i am so excited to see the results. i have a mass on my liver, a big one. it is said in traditional chinese medicine that the liver is the organ of anger. i have decided to compare my liver scans from last year to the one i will have tomorrow. i want to see the dimensions and if it is smaller now. If it is i believe that will say a lot. if it isn’t then i guess i need to keep traveling! Stay tuned.

i have been thinking about this blog a lot lately and if i will continue it, now that I’m home and have surgery next week. I have made the decision to get one new boob. the other one is as good as its gonna get they say. if i still hate them in 6 months then peace out to my implants. thanks for coming but your services are no longer needed. either way I’m probably going to cover my breasts/non breasts with tattoos anyways!

my cancercation is not technically over, yet. i still have a trip coming up to argentina in march to ride horses through patagonia for a couple weeks. i will be traveling with a small group of women and when we are not butchering rabbits or swimming in cold lakes or sleeping under the stars we will be writing. i have waited a lifetime for a trip like this.

the other morning i woke up early and decided to clean out some old college stuff. i came across papers i had written 15 years ago for my english lit classes. i re read a lot of them and was surprised to find one paper i had written about goals in my life. it was amazing to read. my goals 15 years ago were about the same as they are now. i was pretty impressed with myself looking back at all this work, all this writing over the years and research that came from libraries not computers! essays on dh lawrence, kafka, eliot. wow. i read the teacher’s comments and one of them said “go further with your thoughts and ideas, represent your own voice more.”, “best paper of the term.” yay me! so maybe i will keep writing…

so for now I’m home, surrounded by family and friends. who cares if i have a surgery next week and will be laying on the couch for a month or more. it will be a piece of cake compared to last year. and when I’m having a hard day of pain or discomfort all i need to do is look at these cancercation posts and photos and i know i will smile.

“seeing is believing, and sometimes the most real things in the world are the things we cant see.

xo