The Dark

“Fate rarely calls upon us at a time of our choosing.” Optimus Prime

No, it really doesn’t.

I have just finished the second part of my cancer through photos project, The Dark. I struggled a bit with the timing of this entry and when to release it. Posting it around the holidays feels a little wrong to be honest. Despite the darkness of this topic, I still love the holidays. Maybe the holidays are not always perfect, but I made it to another holiday. I lived another year. I choose the word ‘lived’ because I did so much more than just ‘survive’ another year.

Less than a month ago I found out that I have two more brain tumors. Less than a week ago I had another gamma knife surgery to treat these fast growing newborns. The ‘weight’ of brain tumors #4 and #5 has thrown me quite a bit in the last few weeks. There are a lot of days recently that I have felt incredibly sad. In ten months I have had five new brain tumors.

It is our hope that this gamma knife procedure, like last time, will shrink the tumors. Gamma rays do not remove tumors but damage the DNA of tumor cells so that they lose the ability to reproduce. Approximately 200 beams of gamma rays are aimed at these lesions. For 2-3 days after treatment my doctors use medication to partially sedate me due to the resulting risk of seizures.

There is darkness in my life at times. I have always been honest about it. This blog is representative of those times and so are these photos. Liesl Clark, of Liesl Clark Photography is the photographer and a dear personal friend. I have envisioned this part of the project with her since my original breast cancer diagnosis almost three years ago. I’ve decided not to talk much about these photos as they tell this part of my story better than I could ever put into words. This time I’m going to let the photos tell my story, tell of my dark, tell of the secrets that exist in this world of cancer.

I believe we don’t see this side of cancer enough. This is the side of cancer that comes up from nowhere and levels me at certain moments. These photos reveal my fear, my anger, my isolation, my defeat and my pain. In some of the photos you may notice a paper chain wrapped around my body or draped around my neck. If you look closely these are all of my hospital bracelets, from every appointment, every surgery, every chemotherapy infusion, every radiation treatment. The robe is my original hospital gown from radiation. This is my ‘weight’.

For now, I will leave you with less of my words and these photos, taken by Liesl Clark.

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December has been an intense month. A week ago today I had another gamma knife surgery. Today, I sit posting this from Kauai. I need and want to continue my adventure. I need and want to continue to live.

To all my family and friends, I send you much love this holiday season and wish you an incredible 2017. All my love,

Angela

“It is one thing to photograph people. It is another to make others care about them by revealing the core of their humanness.” Paul Strand

6 thoughts on “The Dark

  1. Angela…you are a brave soul for exposing even the slight darkness of cancer…you still have a light shining and continue to “live”, don’t just survive.

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  2. My darling girl,
    in spite of the cage of the cancer surrounding you with fear, isolation and darkness , your desire to continue forward, your beauty and incredible spirit still shine through ……. I am so inspired by your determination to share a very intimate and moving story …….to continue to believe in miracles, and to continue with your beautifully written words, which inspire others on their dark journey …….to believe we should continue to seek joy , to journey forward and to not give up on our desire to do what inspires us , whether it is travel , or art or to explore our precious and hidden inner self.
    It takes enormous courage to share this , to be vulnerable …..but through all this , you continue to grow and not hide in the shadows…….to be seen and not hide your true authentic self .
    I love your simple truth and wish for you all the strength that you need to continue with this self discovery and your incredible truthful writing………we are here whenever you are ready …..but always with you in spirit. I hope you had a peaceful and meaningful Christmas. My love to you and your mom, who l am sure ,is equally courageous .
    With love and gratitude
    Sue

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  3. Dear Angela, The snow has just begun to fall in Hollis and I am thinking warmly of you on a beach in the Pacific.  I have complex feelings about this blog and all it represents: rage at the ruthlessness of cancer, hate for its merciless targeting, sorrow for those in its disrespectful aim.  But also, I  have the incredible privilege of sitting with you and others who have shown me the miracles of the human spirit to make meaning out of meaninglessness, to triumph over the ravages of spread by refusing to let it suffocate your will (not always, but mostly, and to insist on living passionately.  I am humbled by your courage and genius and so grateful to have been a tiny part of your journey.  Whatever happens, the honesty of your experience as captured in your blogs and photos must make its way to a larger audience.  Your testament is proof and warning that while our bodies are frail, our souls are strong.  Magnificently strong and loved.  Be well, my friend, and continue to partake of  anything that feeds your soul. I’ll look forward to the next time we meet. Best,  Jan

    From: Beauty and the Dark To: janetbrown29@yahoo.com Sent: Wednesday, December 28, 2016 3:21 PM Subject: [New post] The Dark #yiv1948542267 a:hover {color:red;}#yiv1948542267 a {text-decoration:none;color:#0088cc;}#yiv1948542267 a.yiv1948542267primaryactionlink:link, #yiv1948542267 a.yiv1948542267primaryactionlink:visited {background-color:#2585B2;color:#fff;}#yiv1948542267 a.yiv1948542267primaryactionlink:hover, #yiv1948542267 a.yiv1948542267primaryactionlink:active {background-color:#11729E;color:#fff;}#yiv1948542267 WordPress.com | Angela Amoroso posted: ““Fate rarely calls upon us at a time of our choosing.” Optimus PrimeNo, it really doesn’t.I have just finished the second part of my cancer through photos project, The Dark. I struggled a bit with the timing of this entry and when to release it. Posti” | |

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  4. Omg , darling girl,
    I hope you had a miraculous Christmas, think of you so often and what you endure is completely unfathomable …….how you named all the procedures you have endured brought such a harsh reality to me, that my heart just ached for your continued enduring ability to keep moving into a space of hope and adventure , you are truly inspirational ……. What keeps you upright , what determination makes you keep exploring new adventures,. Your bravery is exemplary……… What a wonderful inspiration you are……. Your faith and determination is such an example to all of us , who are struggling with our personal journey . Keep going girl , it is all just an arms length away
    and just for today free of fear
    Just for today free of anxiety
    Just for today joy and just for yourself happiness
    As we don’t get to choose what tomorrow brings
    Love , love you
    Hush and strength ,
    Sue

    Sent from my iPad

    >

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