“i am homesick for a place that I am not sure even exists. a place where my heart is full, my body loved, and my soul understood.”

it is breast cancer awareness month. you know what that means…this is gonna be a long one! breast cancer is why i am taking this trip. i must acknowledge that and talk about what having breast cancer means to me, hence the title of this blog entry…she flies by her own wings. i don’t want to talk about the culture, the cure, the pink, the blessings etc. i just want to write about what it means to me today, good and not so good.

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“we travel, some of us forever, to seek other places, other lives, other souls.”

so, i did it. 3 days after staring at it everyday i got on the tire swing in payson, arizona. and it didn’t break. and, while for a moment i know i had a mischievous smirking grin on my face, it occurred to me very quickly that a tire swing does not feel good. also, drinking a margarita while on a tire swing that doesn’t swing back and forth it just twirls around in circles isn’t much fun either. I’m still smiling, because on my cancercation this week, i played on a tire swing in arizona, while a cow stood next to me, while drinking a margarita, and i didn’t fall down.

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“choice is a very powerful gift.”

it is my last day in taos, nm. i will be driving to payson, az tomorrow to stay at a cabin in the tonto national forest. this past week has had some real ups and some real downs. i haven’t written much the last few days and I’m actually struggling a bit right now trying to get the words to come out. they’re there..stubborn things, those words.

the rain is starting and i am sitting in the living area of this earthship and i can hear the drops so closely above me. i turn my music off so i can listen to it. this reminds me of the double rainbow i saw yesterday while i was walking oskar. there have been a lot of weird coincidences this week, signs. I’m not sure what they mean but i do believe they exist.

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“Claim your experience, don’t let it claim you.”

I have one more night, here at Casa de Artista, in Abiquiu, New Mexico. I leave tomorrow for Taos, NM where I will stay in The Stargazer Earthship for 10 days. This off grid, solar powered home was the first Global Model Earthship constructed in 2008. It was built within a 650 acre community, the world’s largest sustainable subdivision. I can’t wait because I have a huge interest and passion for alternative living.

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i awake feeling heavy this morning here in New Mexico. i didn’t sleep well, but i never sleep well. i feel this overwhelming need to write today, to fill in the gaps a bit for my family and friends, so you understand what this journey is about for me. there’s something very uncomfortable about putting all this out there for you to see and read and judge but that’s part of nature, really, however sad and unfair it is at times. i went back through my journal i have kept since ‘it’ happened, the cancer, and pulled some of the most significant entries out. i don’t want to frighten everyone away with my cancer craziness but screw it, i want you to know. Please be advised that profanity is used widely throughout this post.

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i woke up this morning in Abiquiu, New Mexico, where I will stay in an authentic village casita for 15 days.

so, my very good friends and family keep requesting that i do a blog while traveling. despite all the anxiety of actually doing this and feeling not funny enough or even good enough at using a computer, i will give it a go. please be gentle 🙂 i love you all.

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